Impatience: It's been almost a couple of hours, and my legions of fans have yet to materialize!

(initially posted in July 2010)

Okay... Slightly disappointed here - I mean, this is the Internet, the circuits that never sleep, the World Wide Web, the gateway to all the rest of wifi-enabled humanity! There should be people all over the globe hanging on my every word, waiting to respond with impassioned lolspeakz and junior-high putdowns and Bible quotes and ads for counterfeit Taiwanese sneakers! ...Come on, trolls, where are you? (Oh - some nice, civilized, appreciative, fawning, sycophantic fans wouldn't be ill-received, either.)

"I ask you," he asked rhetorically, "what kind of an instant gratification culture do we live in if our desires for internet stardom are not instantly gratified? Huh? What kind?" He paused, waiting for a response from his unverifiable, but presumably enthralled, audience. "Oh, wait, that wasn't rhetorical, after all - I demand an explanation! Gratify me! INSTANTLY!" Police will not confirm, but independent sources report that, upon failing to be instantly gratified, the narrator (whose identity is being withheld pending notification of next of kin) ceased to refer to himself in the third person, and, drawing a concealed weapon, exclaimed "Biscuits are what you make of them!" and shot himself fatally in the head and kitchen, causing instant gratification to all those unfortunate enough to have made his previous acquaintance.

Seriously, people - start fanning, following, and commenting obsessively on me - unless you do, I might be responsible for my actions... So give yourself over to my novel miseries, and take the weight of lonely, independent, non-majority-driven existence off my shoulders!

"DO IT OR I'LL SLIT MY WRISTS AND JUMP OUT A WINDOW AND EAT POISON AND DIE AND IT'LL BE ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!"

(That always worked when I was a kid, so I thought it wouldn't do any harm to bung it in now. Also, you don't love me, you never loved me, and I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.)

And, yes, I realize, it's premature to start promising to kill oneself when one has barely begun to annoy people, but as the title of this blog post implies, it's been an incredibly long time, and STILL no one has dedicated a YouTube video to my awesomeness and overdubbed it with shitty pop music... And really, after the last couple of nougats of brilliance I've dispensed, a YouTube video is the very least I expect. After all, once I start really opening up about the twisted circumstances of my existence, that's going to set a pretty high bar, so you all probably ought to try to start out strongly and be ready to get super-ultra-maximo-melodramatic-and-culty about your reverence for me... You'll need to to keep up with what's to come.

So, folks - get cracking. This means YOU.

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