(scene: a cheap, glitzy talk show.)
JULIAN: Hello, and welcome to "You've Had Your Fun, Now Lie In It!", the programme where we take a long, hard, prurient look at the sordid lives and tragic circumstances of some of the world's saddest cases, and from our narrow, biased, comfortably remote perspective, render harsh critical judgments whilst doing nothing to improve the lot of the losers we examine! I'm your host, Julian Rotter! On today's show, we talk to an unemployed mother of 6 living in a Kentucky trailer park (audience jeers and boos), a blind nun working with starving children in Africa (audience jeers and boos), and a mystery caller with a BIG problem (audience jeers and boos in an intrigued way), among others. That's coming right up - but first a word from our sponsors!
(commercial break)
JULIAN: Welcome back, welcome back, those were some lovely ads, weren't they? It's lovely to be in a free country and be able to have all sorts of lovely things advertised to one, isn't it? Which reminds me, remember to only purchase the brands you've seen advertised on here, or you're a worthless piece of shit. Now, talking of buying lovely things, let's push right on into the program and talk to someone who can't, shall we? (audience boos) Linda is on the line with us from Kentucky, isn't she, now Linda, tell us, what's the problem? Why aren't you out there, supporting the economy by buying lovely things like a good citizen?
LINDA: Hi Julian, well, I'm not sure that question is fair; I'd like to have more disposable income, but I'm a single mother (audience boos) with three children to support (audience boos) and I have to budget very carefully.
JULIAN: I suppose between bailing your numerous gap-toothed ex-husbands out of jail and the nightly pint of wild turkey things do get a bit stretched, don't they?
LINDA: Actually, I'm a widow - my husband died of lung cancer -
JULIAN: A real Marlboro man, ha ha-
LINDA: That he acquired working at the industrial plant.
JULIAN: Mm, now that's just poor job choice, isn't it.
LINDA: It was the only work round here. Now it's gone overseas, and he's gone, and I lost my part-time job when Sue-Ellen, my littlest one, developed epilepsy... It's just so sad to see her shakin' there, with that stick in her teeth...
JULIAN: Oh, Linda, Linda, don't you know, no of course you don't bless your ignorant heart, never shake a baby, Linda.
LINDA: But the clinic only pays part of the seizure medication!
JULIAN: The CLINIC? Oh dear God Linda, if you only knew what a refreshing scent of despair and hopelessness you bring to us here... (chuckles) Anyway, do go on.
LINDA: I just don't know what I'm going to do...
JULIAN: So now you drink to ease the pain of a futile and squalid life.
LINDA: No, I don't drink.
JULIAN: Puh-leeze - (audience joins in scornful laughter) Of course you drink, Linda, love - we know you, we know you better than you know yourself, you welfare slattern with your miserable vapid children and your pathetic little dramas, suckling with your rotted teeth at the raw and bleeding nipple of society, all the while demanding "MORE, MORE" from the decent citizens of the world, saying "Subsidize me! Give me affordable housing, and food that's not laced with pesticides, and ooh, can't my child just have a few vaccinations to stave off perfectly preventable illnesses?" Just in it for the free ride, aren't you?
LINDA: I'm working my ass off to survive, and bring my children up right, and get them an education - I don't know why y'all have such a problem with that.
JULIAN: Oh, Linda, Linda, Linda - Because, my dear Linda, you are POOR! And therefore, because of that, and probably also for several other unrelated reasons, you are disgusting! Everything about you fills us with a nameless sense of revulsion. Linda, you're a loser, we're sick of hearing your bleating voice and inbred accent, you've become a source of boredom and vomiting, thank you for your call, now GET OFF THE LINE! Oh, that was lovely, wasn't it? Stay tuned!
JULIAN: Hello, and welcome to "You've Had Your Fun, Now Lie In It!", the programme where we take a long, hard, prurient look at the sordid lives and tragic circumstances of some of the world's saddest cases, and from our narrow, biased, comfortably remote perspective, render harsh critical judgments whilst doing nothing to improve the lot of the losers we examine! I'm your host, Julian Rotter! On today's show, we talk to an unemployed mother of 6 living in a Kentucky trailer park (audience jeers and boos), a blind nun working with starving children in Africa (audience jeers and boos), and a mystery caller with a BIG problem (audience jeers and boos in an intrigued way), among others. That's coming right up - but first a word from our sponsors!
(commercial break)
JULIAN: Welcome back, welcome back, those were some lovely ads, weren't they? It's lovely to be in a free country and be able to have all sorts of lovely things advertised to one, isn't it? Which reminds me, remember to only purchase the brands you've seen advertised on here, or you're a worthless piece of shit. Now, talking of buying lovely things, let's push right on into the program and talk to someone who can't, shall we? (audience boos) Linda is on the line with us from Kentucky, isn't she, now Linda, tell us, what's the problem? Why aren't you out there, supporting the economy by buying lovely things like a good citizen?
LINDA: Hi Julian, well, I'm not sure that question is fair; I'd like to have more disposable income, but I'm a single mother (audience boos) with three children to support (audience boos) and I have to budget very carefully.
JULIAN: I suppose between bailing your numerous gap-toothed ex-husbands out of jail and the nightly pint of wild turkey things do get a bit stretched, don't they?
LINDA: Actually, I'm a widow - my husband died of lung cancer -
JULIAN: A real Marlboro man, ha ha-
LINDA: That he acquired working at the industrial plant.
JULIAN: Mm, now that's just poor job choice, isn't it.
LINDA: It was the only work round here. Now it's gone overseas, and he's gone, and I lost my part-time job when Sue-Ellen, my littlest one, developed epilepsy... It's just so sad to see her shakin' there, with that stick in her teeth...
JULIAN: Oh, Linda, Linda, don't you know, no of course you don't bless your ignorant heart, never shake a baby, Linda.
LINDA: But the clinic only pays part of the seizure medication!
JULIAN: The CLINIC? Oh dear God Linda, if you only knew what a refreshing scent of despair and hopelessness you bring to us here... (chuckles) Anyway, do go on.
LINDA: I just don't know what I'm going to do...
JULIAN: So now you drink to ease the pain of a futile and squalid life.
LINDA: No, I don't drink.
JULIAN: Puh-leeze - (audience joins in scornful laughter) Of course you drink, Linda, love - we know you, we know you better than you know yourself, you welfare slattern with your miserable vapid children and your pathetic little dramas, suckling with your rotted teeth at the raw and bleeding nipple of society, all the while demanding "MORE, MORE" from the decent citizens of the world, saying "Subsidize me! Give me affordable housing, and food that's not laced with pesticides, and ooh, can't my child just have a few vaccinations to stave off perfectly preventable illnesses?" Just in it for the free ride, aren't you?
LINDA: I'm working my ass off to survive, and bring my children up right, and get them an education - I don't know why y'all have such a problem with that.
JULIAN: Oh, Linda, Linda, Linda - Because, my dear Linda, you are POOR! And therefore, because of that, and probably also for several other unrelated reasons, you are disgusting! Everything about you fills us with a nameless sense of revulsion. Linda, you're a loser, we're sick of hearing your bleating voice and inbred accent, you've become a source of boredom and vomiting, thank you for your call, now GET OFF THE LINE! Oh, that was lovely, wasn't it? Stay tuned!
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