99 Limericks

(composed between 4/19/21 and 5/1/21)

With the ritual greetings completed

And the visitors having been seated,

Their degenerate host

Made a scandalous toast

That was meant to offend - and succeeded.

Once the savage had finally stopped breathing,

The evangelicals halted the beating -

Saying, "At least now he's heard

Of our God's loving Word,

And the damnation awaiting all heathen!"

Said Varlene, to a dating app match:

"Though I'd like to be fucked, there's a catch -

If you wish so to do,

You will have to wade through

My impassibly thick pubic thatch!"

Lisped a lad with quite faulty dentition

To the orthodontistic technician:

"I beg you, oh pleathe,

Won't you thee to my teeth?

A thining thmile ith my greatetht ambithion!"

Said a gay-for-pay escort called Ash:

"I suck cock, though I much prefer gash -

It may make me choke,

But I'm really quite broke...

It's amazing what one does for cash!"

As Abraham did prepare to go through

With the sacrifice, Yahweh said, "Boo!

How d'you like my surprise?

Actually, killing Isaac

Is not what I want you to do!"

Quoth Jonah, from the depths of the whale,

Admitting at last that he'd failed:

"Oh Lord, I shall do

What you've commanded me to -

As the air in here's getting quite stale!"

As He passed out the loaves and the fishes,

Jesus Said, "It may not be delicious,

But beggars cannot be choosers,

(You all are such losers)

And someone still has to do dishes!"

Of His itch, once the harlot He'd tapped,

Mary Magdalene said, "You poor sap!

The lesson you're learning:

A bush that is burning

Is a sign that you've gotten the clap."

A piss fetishist fully besotted,

Of a dominatrix said that, "I thought I'd

Never witnessed such beauty

As her doing her duty

On my face the first time that she squatted!"

When his advances were roundly rejected,

Raul sweetened the pot: "I neglected

To tell you, although

You have heard it's not so,

It is true! I'm no longer infected!"

After the glue came out and things got weird,

Cindy found herself stuck to Rick's beard -

And said, "The question is not

How it got there, but what

To do with it now that it's adhered?"

Thirty-eight and a celibate virgin,

With her hormones insistently surging,

Irene was still adamant

That till she had had a man,

She'd overcome her own onanist urgings.

 

An obsessive-compulsive named Scott,

Badly afflicted by worrisome thoughts,

Would, to keep his composure,

Count over and over

Every parsnip that he'd ever bought.

 

Hired to teach at a school for the blind,

Mrs. Thompson was startled to find

That one of the perks

Was arriving at work

Either dressed or undressed, as inclined.

 

A Mr. Munchausen, seeking attention

Acquired ailments too numerous to mention:

A bad case of scabies

Followed swiftly by rabies,

Diabetes, and water retention.

 

Her house dropped so abruptly in Oz,

And not conversant with that country's laws,

Dorothy's jail term was brief,

And she soon was released

With a fine for the damage she caused.

 

At a branch bank, a secretive teller

Was dismissed as a quite harmless feller -

Till police were alerted

To the hobos he'd murdered,

And their bones were unearthed in his cellar.

 

The dwarf bragged, "Though I must climb a ladder,

I can get her off so hard she splatters!

Which I know to expect,

So - a bib round my neck,

Strap my snorkel on - then I have at her!"

 

Crazy Ted, on whom sane people frowned,

Was invariably prone to expound

On why cell phones were bad,

And on theories he had

Of the mole-folk who lived underground.

 

A child both coddled and pampered,

When his infantile whims had been hampered

Would flip Papa the bird,

And fling turd after turd

From a tree up which he'd nimbly scampered.

 

Although caught with his hand in the till,

Zach blamed Microsoft co-founder Bill:

"It is his nanobots

Which control all my thoughts -

I embezzled, but not by my will!"

 

The vaccine that Vic's government ordered

Warned of side effects weird and assorted.

He was relieved though, to see

That in just one in three

Were such nuisances as death reported.

 

A doting mom, when the matter was raised

Of her son's pyromaniac ways,

Said "His interest in fire

Must surely soon tire -

He's already set six schools ablaze!"

 

Of those with the misfortune to know me,

Near the head of the list is Naomi -

Putting up with for ages

My gibbers and rages,

Though she could easily lift me and throw me.

A scrofulous satyr named Nick

Had a simply insatiable prick,

And was quite unselective

Who got his erective -

He just stuck it wherever it'd stick.

 

A polygamist zealot named Hyde

Had an urge that could not be denied

To loiter near schools

And pervertedly drool,

As he sought out his next child bride.

 

Said nudist Nora, with nary a care

As she disrobed, causing many to stare:

"Sure, my nipples are large

And my ass like a barge -

But just look what I've done with my hair!"

 

A self-sufficient young lady named Alice

Who was asked to a 'do' at The Palace

Replied, "Although single,

I don't care to mingle -

I prefer my own silicone phallus."

 

Slobby Sherman once shamelessly said,

To his wife, "Dear, I've just shit the bed!

Will you please change the sheets,

Like the faithful helpmeet

That you promised to be when we wed?"

 

A bulimic pro gymnast named Jean

For good luck, before every routine

Would throw up in a jar -

Then she'd straddle the bars,

With her stomach and conscience both clean.

 

Being offered a glass of red wine,

Drunkard Sam slurred out, "Say, this is fine!

Just tastes a bit odd, 'cause

It's usually vokdas

I drink when the druthers are mine!"

 

When his wife at last mauled the lion tamer,

The consensus could not have been samer:

"All that prodding with chairs

Would drive anyone spare!

And raw meat as a treat? Who could blame her?"

 

Raved an eco-nut, mad as a hatter,

"I reingest all my own fecal matter -

It's not pleasant to taste,

But I so dislike waste,

I don't mind how it makes the folks chatter."

 

To his patient, an oculist said,

"These sockets are practically dead.

Now, what I would advise

Is a new pair of eyes -

Pop those old ones right out of your head."

With the ICBMs on the way,

Biden took to the airwaves to say,

"Fellow Americans, all

Of our borders and walls

Were a farce in the end - let us pray."

 

A titillating temptress named Gertie

Got her kicks out of being quite flirty -

She'd inflame a man's junk

With her waggling trunk,

Then back off right as things would get dirty.

 

When a rapist mistook her for prey,

Hilda snarled, "Go ahead, make my day -

But perhaps you should know,

If I clench it just so,

You'll be dickless, and staying that way!"

 

An ignorant homophobe lout

Said, "You fags don't know what it's about!

You should be munching box

And not sticking your cocks

In a hole that is meant to go out!"

An internet coder named Cheryl

Was approached only at one's own peril.

A colleague advised,

"Watch your nuts and your eyes,

And look out - she is practically feral!"

 

Asked the boy of the pedophile priest, "Er...

You want to do what to my keister?

I really don't know, sir -

Please sir, don't come closer -

At least you could wait until Easter!"

 

An odorous gasbag named Pat

Was so utterly flatulent that

Whenever he pleased,

He could create a breeze

Which was able to blow off your hat.

Croaked a fragrant old hooker named Belle

When a trick didn't turn out so well:

"I have to be honest,

You're not the first john that's

Remarked on the rather strong smell."

 

Of his gonads, said Farmer McPhee:

"I liked to just let them hang free,

Then a ravenous goat

Took a bite off my scrote -

Now there's two where there used to be three!"

 

Though Tom was abjectly apologetic

After a poorly timed dose of emetic,

Meg said, "Such indigestion

Makes a poor first impression -

Your posture and form are pathetic!"

 

Declared Ann of her man of the hour:

"It's not just his sheer masculine power -

It's his baking and knitting,

And how he likes sitting

Making scrapbooks of dainty pressed flowers!"

 

A hotel maid's frequent verbal gaffes

Were notorious sources of laughs -

Like, "Room 12 is complete,

But the old shitted feets

Are not far from just ripping in half!"

 

A nervous copilot named Clive

Provoked panic on Flight 405,

When light turbulence which

Made the plane slightly pitch

Caused him to scream, "Pray for your lives!"

 

A tyrant, whilst being deposed

Mused, "It's funny how life sometimes goes...

Rule through torture and dread -

Get your own severed head

On a pike, being pecked at by crows."

 

While the terrorists prepared the explosive

One, suffering a qualm, said "Suppose if

This bomb's detonation

Is a miscalculation -

Are we really quite sure of our motive?"

 

Two conjoined twins far into their eighties

Were still a great hit with the ladies.

Said one, "Here's the trick,

We both think with one dick,"

Said the other, "which doesn't make babies."

After being brought light years through space,

The abductee hadn't even the grace

To leave a good tip,

Or to thank the ship's skipper,

For the probe he'd so skillfully placed.

 

Cat-fancying Nancy'd aver

That her pets were like children to her:

"And though they may struggle

And scratch, still we snuggle

Till I'm head to toe covered in fur!"

 

While rereading the works of Steve King,

I was struck by a singular thing:

Not one book he wrote

Has a big haunted boat -

And just think how much cash that would bring!

 

A young masochist to his attacker

Simpered, "That's quite the right hook that you pack there!

And I hate to impose -

Since you've just smashed my nose -

But could you make this black eye a bit blacker?"

 

A stockbroker father named Ross

Was dismayed by how much his kids cost:

"If they'd been auctioned at birth,

I'd have got what they're worth -

Sell 'em now, and I'm taking a loss!"

 

When Gran caught cold and couldn't shake it,

We were all sad that she didn't make it.

She left in her will, though

An old ivory dildo:

"For anyone willing to take it."

 

Though she prayed with an excess of zeal,

And thought faith healers really could heal,

Karen wouldn't, when asked

Deign to put on her mask,

Saying "I don't believe COVID's real."

 

A notice to racist, abusive police:

Knees on necks are not keeping the peace.

You don't 'mix up' a gun

With a taser that stuns -

These appalling offenses must cease.

When morbidly obese Denise

Went for lipo, the doc said, "At least

Once we've sucked out the fat,

She'll be thin enough that

All her orbiting moons are released!"

 

A xenophobe gun nut named Dave

Gave his immigrant neighbor a wave -

But secretly thought

Of race wars to be fought,

And how nice it would be to own slaves.

 

A bald entomologist, Nate,

Affixed light bulbs to his glabrous pate.

When quizzed as to why,

He replied "Fireflies

Use this way of attracting a mate."

 

Sobbed the weary and worn educator

Whose patience was reaching its nadir:

"I shall go round the bend,

If you do not attend -

You will need this stuff sooner or later!"

 

Cowgirl Kate lingered late near the fountain,

And lamented that she had been countin'

On a posse of men

To come ride her, just when

She was saddled up, ready for mountin'.

 

Although they once used to respect him,

(Even forming a group to elect him)

He was instantly purged

When the video emerged

Of him shoving mice into his rectum.

 

Being into all sorts of depravity,

Marla moaned to her man, "You must ravish me!

From front, back, and side,

Spread my flaps open wide -

Oh, fill up my cavernous cavity!"

 

Jeb's dad told him, "Son, I don't know why

But you're a failure - you don't even try.

It is quite clear to see

That the best part of me

Dribbled out and went down your mom's thigh."

 

Our sex advice coach, Mr. Manus

Does his very best trying to train us

In all things erotic,

From plain to exotic,

Using cock, mouth, vagina and anus.

 

Leered a lecherous leper named Lester

To a woman he'd harrass and he'd pester:

"My dear, let me untuck it

So that you may suck it -

Hurry up, it is starting to fester!"

 

A wicked witch casting a spell

Found the magic had functioned too well -

As the Devil appeared

(Sporting horns and a beard)

She cried, "What in the actual Hell!?"

A young artist once made this complaint

Of how soiled he became when he'd paint:

"I can see why it lingers

Upon hands and fingers -

But how does it get on my taint?"

A shamaness hailing from Syria

Had pioneered, over years, quite a myriad

Of odd arcane uses

For her feminine juices -

From breast milk to blood from her period.

Of a lifelong chain smoker named Clay

Was inquired, "Aren't five packs a day

Simply begging for cancer?"

His gravel-voiced answer:

"I had it - but coughed it away!"

 

A most considerate gent asked his lover

If she preferred him beneath or above her.

"And when nearing completion,

Do you want my secretion -

Or should I pull out and jizz on the covers?"

As a habit on his nightly walk,

The deviant from down the block

Likes to strip in my yard -

Whereupon he gets hard,

And makes love to a crusty old sock.

Sighed Mrs. M through her clay facial mask,

"Why is finding good help such a task?

No IV drug users,

Or child abusers -

Is that really too much to ask?"

"Doc, I'm scared for the state of my plumbing,"

Fretted Ben. "There's an odd sort of warbly humming

That's distracting my wife -

And I'd swear on my life,

It increases in pitch as I'm coming!"

 

A mechanic, profane and weak-hearted

Was on the job when he joined the departed.

With his chest feeling heavy,

He gasped out "Goddamn Chevy -

I can't get this piece of shit started!"

 

Having dated Diane for a season

Rob observed, "though her features are pleasing,

I should have known better

That when I first met her

She was single for very good reason!"

Rapey dudes who try scoring in vain'll

Say things misogynistic and banal.

Guys, it fails to impress -

No doesn't mean yes,

And yes certainly doesn't mean anal.

In a squalid house that she had hoarded,

Which her children were trying to get sorted,

Lived a vicious old hag

Who would ceaselessly nag

And say, "You should have all been aborted!"

Of all of the nuns in the cloister,

Few were hornier and none were moister

Than old Abbess Maire,

Who would cry out in prayer

"God forgive me - please dry out my oyster!"

In a convent where men were abhorred,

A nymphomaniac nun grew so bored

She exclaimed in frustration,

"Forget masturbation!

I must sit on the Face of the Lord!"

An anxious young man from an annex

Made quite regular usage of Xanax.

It was needed, he claimed

For his worry-prone brain:

"Without it to calm me, I panicks!"

A gravedigger who called himself Newman

Was a crafty, but deeply sick human.

His pleasures deferring,

He worked days interring -

Saving nights for the joy of exhuming.

Callous Cameron explained that, "I wasn't

Notified of the death of my cousin.

Since my folks are aware

That I really don't care -

And besides, I've still got half a dozen."

A professional sadist named Boyd

Will confess to becoming annoyed

When his clients' clamped nips

And their novelty whips

Mean the fun stuff is rarely deployed.

A math statistician named Mitch

Found applying his skills had a hitch:

"Was it caused by causation,

Or mere correlation?

I'm not even sure which is which!"

Said his doc to the hirsute young courier,

"Perhaps I'm a bit of a worrier -

But in spite of the ointment

I prescribed last appointment,

You just seem to get furrier and furrier!"

 

Yolanda, no longer so sprung

Complained of her boo, "Though well-hung,

He just goes through the motions

And hasn't a notion

Of what he should do with his tongue."

 

Of a practical joker named Julia,

Known for pranks both perverse and peculiar,

'Twas said by a friend,

"She will go to no end

In her frivolous efforts to fool ya."

 

A most excellent dude named Nasir

Was as upright as he did appear -

Well-regarded by all

And quite handsome and tall,

He was liked from afar and anear.

An irascible woman named Dot

Had a temper alarmingly hot -

She would brook no delay

In the course of her day,

And was pissed off more often than not.

As the mutual ecstasy passed,

Susannah's critique: "That was fast -

Though it still did the trick,

It was over too quick...

Take a pill next time, maybe you'll last."

A psychiatrist trying to make sense

Of a patient, said "I'm on the fence

As to whether his brain

Is essentially insane,

Or his skull is abnormally dense."

The cannibal quipped to his dinner:

"Tonight's recipe should be a winner!

Though I'm on a strict diet,

You really should try it -

But it's strange I should wish you were thinner!"

When Wendy cried, "Make me pregnant! You must!"

Her fiancé snapped, "Don't cause such a fuss!

Now, is this legit? Or is

It just your clitoris -

Puffy and swollen with lust?"

An aspiring porn star named Paul

Was informed that his cock was too small -

But, though not recommended

It could be extended

Using string and a medicine ball.

Said the psychopath, when apprehended:

"My killing spree was unintended -

But murder one cop

And where do you stop?

Once you've started it, how do you end it?"