Aphorisms, one-liners, jokes, and puns

Like digging hundreds of feet down looking for water and coming up dry, I am deeply unwell. 

Sometimes I really wonder why I even bother, but then I remember that I don't. 

"If you don't have anything nice to say, say it first."  

Nothing is impossible as long as you don't actually attempt to do it. 

 Believing that one possesses free will is very nearly as good as actually having it. 

All things being equal, they really aren't. 

It's much easier to be a futurist when you don't believe there is one. 

Some people have more to offer than others, while others just offer it to more people.  

The part of the year when the planet orbits the sun is always the hardest time for me.  

When asked his opinion on life, the quadriplegic replied, "I'm just not feeling it."  

The joy of taking something up is frequently only surpassed by the joy of abandoning it half-finished. Also, 

It really is too bad that the things that should go without saying are so frequently the things that go without being said. 

After discussing myself with myself, I discovered I disgust myself. 

Thinking in absolutist terms is NEVER a good thing. 

Being a pessimist means never having to say you're disappointed. 

Being insecure is no sinecure. 

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times. If I haven't, then I'm either just about to or won't be saying it at all. 

If I've seen it once, I've seen it a thousand times.  If I haven't seen it once, I guess I haven't seen it at all.  I wouldn't know, since I apparently won't have seen it.  Also, if I've seen it a thousand times, I'm probably pretty tired of it by now.  Maybe I should just shut my eyes to avoid seeing it again - that would probably solve a lot of the confusion, although I might bump into it as I stumble around blindly, and if it's made of something hard I'm liable to be injured.  Advice? 

At this point in my life, I am both romantically and piscatorially more 'bycatch' than 'catch'. 

If you can't handle me at my worst, I don't blame you. My worst is pretty spectacularly awful... Even I avoid myself then, and only come back once I'm better. 

I discovered her taking the skin off an orange and found her decidedly appealing. 

Dad would never spread yeast extract on his toast, but Marmite.

If you live in India and the woman who gave birth to you has a compulsive shopping disorder, you're always wondering - "What will Mumbai?"

Q: Why did Mr. Heinz end up with 57 children? 
A: Because he didn't know what a condiment. 

Q:  Why do password encryption algorithms have such a bad reputation? 
A:  Because they always make a hash of things. 

As the dendrochronologist said, "put a ring on it!"  

As the cow said to the farmer, "I wouldn't put it pasture."  

As the organ donor said to the cardiologist, "have a heart!" 

White man files charges against black woman to whom he lost a competitive marathon, insists "It's not a race thing."  

Anyone tried that new clarified butter substitute "Ghee Whiz!"  

After I stopped matriculating, I graduated to big boy pants.

I finally got the melon in, but I never did find out what the pig meant. 

Televangelist warns that "Where's Waldo?", similar online picture-searching games are exposing children to satanism: "The devil is in the details."  

A friendly reminder as we move into winter: there will be significantly less light available. That doesn't mean it will be darker, only that things will be more difficult to see. 

Of all the plants I've had, the most relevant would have to be the germaniums.  

At one point during the peak of my interest in classical music, I fancied the idea of waving a baton in front of an orchestra. Unfortunately, I dropped out midway through my training, and had to make a career shift - I found work in the electronics industry as a semi-conductor.  

I'm such a poor correspondent, I've actually failed to keep in touch with more people than I knew in the first place. Sorry, everyone (and then some)!  

"I pledge aggrievance to the flag of the unbridled states of hysteria, and to the repugnance for which it stands - one nation, underthought, inadvisable, with usury and pundits for all."