21 More Limericks

 A naive nominee from Menominee

Ran a campaign of ethics and harmony,

But was outspent and cheated -

As their plan (if completed)

Might have threatened the global economy.

An eccentric old draftsman named Shaw

Was well known for the odd way he'd draw:

Bag on head, crouching pantless

Poised over the canvas -

Raising doubts as to just how he saw.

A librarian prepper named Soames

Was obsessed with preserving his tomes

Laminating each page

For the coming dark age

(Though excluding the frivolous poems)

Born-again adult film starlet Yum

Defends porno: "Offensive to some?

Perhaps - but if cameras can capture

That moment of rapture,

We might finally get Jesus to come!"

Hot 40

 

A doodle from a couple years ago...

One more limerick

 At Her Grace's mons, densely embowered,

His Lordship harrumphed and he glowered:

"Such fecund profusion

Is grounds for confusion -

It is high time that you were deflowered!"

Aphorisms, one-liners, jokes, and puns

Like digging hundreds of feet down looking for water and coming up dry, I am deeply unwell. 

Sometimes I really wonder why I even bother, but then I remember that I don't. 

"If you don't have anything nice to say, say it first."  

Nothing is impossible as long as you don't actually attempt to do it. 

 Believing that one possesses free will is very nearly as good as actually having it. 

All things being equal, they really aren't. 

It's much easier to be a futurist when you don't believe there is one. 

Some people have more to offer than others, while others just offer it to more people.  

The part of the year when the planet orbits the sun is always the hardest time for me.  

When asked his opinion on life, the quadriplegic replied, "I'm just not feeling it."  

The joy of taking something up is frequently only surpassed by the joy of abandoning it half-finished. Also, 

It really is too bad that the things that should go without saying are so frequently the things that go without being said. 

After discussing myself with myself, I discovered I disgust myself. 

Thinking in absolutist terms is NEVER a good thing. 

Being a pessimist means never having to say you're disappointed. 

Being insecure is no sinecure. 

If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times. If I haven't, then I'm either just about to or won't be saying it at all. 

If I've seen it once, I've seen it a thousand times.  If I haven't seen it once, I guess I haven't seen it at all.  I wouldn't know, since I apparently won't have seen it.  Also, if I've seen it a thousand times, I'm probably pretty tired of it by now.  Maybe I should just shut my eyes to avoid seeing it again - that would probably solve a lot of the confusion, although I might bump into it as I stumble around blindly, and if it's made of something hard I'm liable to be injured.  Advice? 

At this point in my life, I am both romantically and piscatorially more 'bycatch' than 'catch'. 

If you can't handle me at my worst, I don't blame you. My worst is pretty spectacularly awful... Even I avoid myself then, and only come back once I'm better. 

I discovered her taking the skin off an orange and found her decidedly appealing. 

Dad would never spread yeast extract on his toast, but Marmite.

If you live in India and the woman who gave birth to you has a compulsive shopping disorder, you're always wondering - "What will Mumbai?"

Q: Why did Mr. Heinz end up with 57 children? 
A: Because he didn't know what a condiment. 

Q:  Why do password encryption algorithms have such a bad reputation? 
A:  Because they always make a hash of things. 

As the dendrochronologist said, "put a ring on it!"  

As the cow said to the farmer, "I wouldn't put it pasture."  

As the organ donor said to the cardiologist, "have a heart!" 

White man files charges against black woman to whom he lost a competitive marathon, insists "It's not a race thing."  

Anyone tried that new clarified butter substitute "Ghee Whiz!"  

After I stopped matriculating, I graduated to big boy pants.

I finally got the melon in, but I never did find out what the pig meant. 

Televangelist warns that "Where's Waldo?", similar online picture-searching games are exposing children to satanism: "The devil is in the details."  

A friendly reminder as we move into winter: there will be significantly less light available. That doesn't mean it will be darker, only that things will be more difficult to see. 

Of all the plants I've had, the most relevant would have to be the germaniums.  

At one point during the peak of my interest in classical music, I fancied the idea of waving a baton in front of an orchestra. Unfortunately, I dropped out midway through my training, and had to make a career shift - I found work in the electronics industry as a semi-conductor.  

I'm such a poor correspondent, I've actually failed to keep in touch with more people than I knew in the first place. Sorry, everyone (and then some)!  

"I pledge aggrievance to the flag of the unbridled states of hysteria, and to the repugnance for which it stands - one nation, underthought, inadvisable, with usury and pundits for all." 

99 Limericks

(composed between 4/19/21 and 5/1/21)

With the ritual greetings completed

And the visitors having been seated,

Their degenerate host

Made a scandalous toast

That was meant to offend - and succeeded.

Once the savage had finally stopped breathing,

The evangelicals halted the beating -

Saying, "At least now he's heard

Of our God's loving Word,

And the damnation awaiting all heathen!"

Said Varlene, to a dating app match:

"Though I'd like to be fucked, there's a catch -

If you wish so to do,

You will have to wade through

My impassibly thick pubic thatch!"

Lisped a lad with quite faulty dentition

To the orthodontistic technician:

"I beg you, oh pleathe,

Won't you thee to my teeth?

A thining thmile ith my greatetht ambithion!"

Wherein I Pose A Question Or Three

If not now, when?

When will you be ready to begin?

Why do you act like

Taking action was a sin?

A lot of time's already been - and gone.

And so I ask again:

If not now, when?

Time only goes one way,

Life only gets shorter.

(Though a day sometimes feels like a year!)

And sooner or later,

You cannot avoid it -

Whatever it is that you fear

If not now, why?

You seem unable to decide

On the direction of your life -

Or even giving it a try,

(For fear of things going awry?)

And so once more, I pry:

If not now, why?

Time only goes one way,

Life only gets shorter.

You're older and wiser, it's true...

But you look around you,

See everything changing,

And in your heart, you know that

You must change, too.

If not this, what?

What will free you from this deadly rut?

Which has become so

Self-destructively comfortable that

You've just succumbed to it?

(Become quite numb to it.)

It seems redundant, but -

If not this, what?

Still, the clouds above are turning

In ways you cannot hope to comprehend.

And you see the signs unfolding,

But are powerless to know what they portend...

The sky is blue behind the clouds -

Although the clouds are also true.

Behind the clouds, the sky is blue -

The hardest thing to change is you.

"Introducing..."

Mar A La Gogo

I haven't known how to respond to the unrelenting shitstorm of the last year and some... nothing I can say or do seems adequate, and I vacillate between nihilistic despair, Buddha-like serenity, and incandescent outrage. So, the other day I was skipping around on iTunes, landed on the original of this, and the parody basically wrote itself. Apologies that I couldn't get Chris Martin to do the vocals, instead having to rely on my own untrained larynx - but at this point in history, there may be more important things than my dubious warblings. Please, then, take this silly song in its intended spirit (which is savage):

Cue the OUTRAGE!