"Introducing..."

"She was born the son of an Episcopalian and a reformed property appraiser - in her all-too-brief childhood, she established herself as one of the world's premiere breeders and trainers of Tibetan monks. After a 30-year career, she took up the piccolo in junior high and became the front man for the neo-punk, neo-classicist, neonatal band "Televangelist Babies", releasing several highly-acclaimed, rarely-listened-to, albums. When the Babies' contract was not renewed, and the diapers began to chafe, she took a dual degree in human anatomy and robotics from MIT and went on, with $85 million dollars in private and government funding, to develop the world's best selling line of aromatherapy tea cosies. Her work can be seen from space, her name is the top result on google when you search for "amputee fetish sex porn eggs benedict recipe" - she has single-handedly reduced the number of orphans in third-world countries, while at the same time providing great-tasting, reasonably priced, fast-food dining options for citizens of the midwest, with 170 franchised outlets, including one in the famous Topeka Regional Airport. Ladies and gentlemen, no welcome could be more severe, more understated, more blisteringly appropriate than the one with which I encourage you to pummel tonight's guest - so please, with as much venom and displaced hostility as your little hands can muster, a round of applause for Gwendolyn Muffpoppett!"