Perils of Dating: Previous Relationships

A little unfinished bit of absurdity - or maybe it is finished, and I just don't know it.


SCENE: WINIFRED and LEWIS together at a restaurant.

WINIFRED: It's good to be out on a date again, you know. After my first husband, well, yes...

LEWIS: Your husband?

WINIFRED: First husband, yes -

LEWIS: You were married?

WINIFRED: Yes, well, John prefers I not tell everyone about it.

LEWIS: John, your first husband?

WINIFRED: No, John, my third husband.

LEWIS: THIRD husband?

WINIFRED: Yes, well, he's jealous, isn't he? Jealous of Thomas.

LEWIS: Thomas your first husband?

WINIFRED: No, Thomas my fourth husband. Thomas my first husband, and John my second husband don't mind a bit that I was married to Thomas my fourth husband. They even put it on their resumes. They all got on very well – but then, Thomas my fourth husband was a very likable man.

LEWIS: Was?

WINIFRED: Yes, well, he was murdered by a group of Seventh-Day Adventists whilst having an outdoor cookout. They're ever such strict vegetarians, you see.

LEWIS: And he was cooking meat?

WINIFRED: No, tofu.

LEWIS: Then why - ?

WINIFRED: Anyway, John my second husband – that's the one who came between my first and my third husband – chronologically, I mean – he never came between them romantically. How could he? There was nothing there...

LEWIS: So your first and your fourth husbands were both called Thomas?

WINIFRED: Yes, they were.

LEWIS: And your second and third husbands were both John.

WINIFRED: Yes, he was.

LEWIS: Was what?

WINIFRED: Both Johns.

LEWIS: He was both Johns?

WINIFRED: Yes – Thomas 1, John 2 and 3, Thomas 4.

LEWIS: Two different Thomases?

WINIFRED: And one John.

LEWIS: I thought there were two?

WINIFRED: Two and three. But only one John.

LEWIS: But -

WINIFRED: They're the same John.

LEWIS: But then -

WINIFRED: I married him twice. The first time didn't take.

LEWIS: But you said that John your third husband was jealous of Thomas your fourth husband -

WINIFRED: Yes, that's right -

LEWIS: -but that John your second husband wasn't.

WINIFRED: Yes, that's right.

LEWIS: But there's only one John!

WINIFRED: Yes, and he prefers not to get mixed up in the argument between the other two.