Sub-Prime Lending Crisis

(Written in mid 2008)

CAST:

LARRY EMERSON - a middle-class American Dad, 30s or 40s
SUE EMERSON - a middle-class American Mom, 30s or 40s
JAKE EMERSON - a middle-class American Boy, child-aged
EMILY EMERSON - a middle-class American Girl, slightly-younger-child-aged
OFFICIAL - a government official, regulation-issue, gray with manila accents
NARRATOR - male, documentary-style voice
ANGRY MAN - middle-aged or elderly, an uneducated Southerner
HUSBAND - generic Husband in his 20s or early 30s
WIFE - generic Wife, slightly younger than generic Husband
FATHER - In his 30s or 40s
MOVERS - a couple of non-speaking, strapping young men who will be moving various pieces of office furniture into the EMERSONS living room

AT OPEN:

(SCENE: a typical middle-class American household, family having dinner around the table. Dad, mom, and 2.5 children are enjoying each others company)

LARRY: Mm, this meatloaf is really delicious, Sue.

SUE: Thanks, honey. I'm glad you like it.

LARRY: Is there a secret ingredient?

SUE: (sweetly) No, it's just nature's bounty, bestowed on us by a globalized system of industrial scale food production and distribution - lots and lots of trucks, cheap labor, and antibiotics.

EMILY: Aw, mom, you're too good to us.

JAKE: Yeah mom, you're swell.

SUE: (waxing eloquent, now that someone has finally shown an interest) It was frozen, in a pouch, in a box. I took the pouch out of the box, unfreezered it, then heatstoved it.

LARRY: Wow - kids, your mom can really cook!

KIDS: We'll say!

SUE: (adding a bit of suspense to the already thrilling tale) And then I cut the pouch open, and...

LARRY & KIDS: (agog with excitement) ...AND??

SUE: (delivering the payoff with the practiced ease of a veteran orator) And, GLOP! Onto the plates!

LARRY: Sheer culinary brilliance! Such presentation!

KIDS: YAY! YAY!!

(SUE rises and takes bows, basking in family's approval, until LARRY starts to get jealous)
LARRY: You know, something exciting happened to me today, too.

SUE: (having none of it) Eat your meatloaf, Larry.

LARRY: No, honestly - I was shaving, you know how you do in the morning-

SUE: No, I don't.

LARRY: Well, not you personally, I mean, how one does in the morning. Anyway, I was shaving, and I'd started with my face when - (the DOORBELLrings)

EMILY: There's someone at the door, Daddy.

JAKE: You're such a tattletale, Emily.

EMILY: (indignant) I'm just telling the truth. There's someone at the door. That hardly qualifies as tattling, does it? (the doorbell rings again)

JAKE: You should answer it, dad.

EMILY: Yes, dad, go answer the door.

LARRY: (childishly and for no reason) YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!! (gets up and goes to the door, muttering petulantly) I wonder who it could be. (opens door) Yes?

OFFICIAL: (immediately stepping in and speaking to MOVERS outside, looking around the place with an acquisitive eye) That's right, start unloading the trucks, we'll take, ooh - well, that room looks like it'd do nicely. (to LARRY, more a statement than a question) Hello sir, you are Mr. Larry Emerson? Of 249 Gusting Whiffs road?

LARRY: Yes - yes, what do you want?

OFFICIAL: (again to MOVERS) No, just set those file cabinets down there, let's get some of the bigger stuff in here first. (to LARRY) Well, sir, you're being repurposed.

LARRY: (confused, and therefore irritated) I'm being what? What are you doing, what do you want?

OFFICIAL: New policies newly being put into effect - (breaks off and shouts out the door again) Call Carl, the I.T. guy, we're gonna want the network up and running ASAP - (back to LARRY) as I say, new policies being put into - (suddenly alarmed) Dammit, be careful with that, that's my desk!

LARRY: (getting heated) What's going on!?

OFFICIAL: (officiously) I've just explained, sir. Anyway, a portion of this residence is, by federal order, to be repurposed - (to MOVERS outside) Yeah, we're gonna have to clear out quite a bit, get a big bin to dump all this stuff.

LARRY: You can't do that! That's our living room! Those are our things! This is our house! Get out!

OFFICIAL: 'Fraid we can't do that, sir. As I said, federal repurposing order, new policies put into effect, bit of a bother, but what can you do? Anyway, this is going to become part of the new branch offices of the United States Bureau of Measurement Standards. Lovely high ceilings, airy space - employees will like it.

SUE: (conscious, as are all American Moms, of the requirements of hospitality) Would you like some meatloaf?

LARRY: This isn't the time, Sue. Look, Mister, I don't know who you think -

OFFICIAL: (to MOVERS, still outside) Come on, come on, TODAY, if you don't mind! (starting here, the MOVERS begin bringing office equipment into the house)

SUE: (trying to recapture the glory of a couple minutes ago) Would you like to hear how I made it glop onto the plates?

LARRY: Kids, tell your mom to shut up.

KIDS: Shut up, mom! (SUE begins crying quietly)

LARRY: This is outrageous! (sputtering) You can't - you simply -

OFFICIAL: Do you have a mortgage with 'Wide Country', sir?

LARRY: Well, yes, what has that - ?

OFFICIAL: Well, because of their recent financial difficulties, subprime loans and all those billions somehow lost, as you may know, the government of our country, God Bless it - (he salutes an American flag being carried in) helped them out of their little hole. Now, as a result - (calling outside again) Jim, Jim, that tree by the mailbox has got to go, we have to be handicap accessible, and that's the only place we can -

LARRY: Not our tree!

KIDS: Our tire swing!

(sound of chainsaw, of tree falling, the family sits in shocked horror for a moment before the OFFICIAL resumes)

OFFICIAL: A result, as I say, of the government's bailout, you see, is they've taken on quite a financial stake in the whole thing, and with real estate values continuing to plummet, well, it costs more in processing and administrative overhead to take your property taxes than the house or land are worth. So, according to a new federal order, a portion of mortgage holders' homes will be repurposed to aid in the defrayal of costs.(calling outside) I don't care much for the color in here, get Vic over with some swatches.

LARRY: I can't believe this!

OFFICIAL: Well, beige just isn't to everyone's taste, sir. What would you think of, ooh, flamingo pink?

SUE: (coyly, trying to get back into the conversation) My secret ingredient MIGHT be... flamingo pink.

OFFICIAL: Shut up, mom!

LARRY: (resigned, looking on the bright side) Well, at least we'll save a bit of money.

OFFICIAL: How do you figure?

LARRY: Well, our property taxes - and this new program - I should think we'd get a reduction, or -

OFFICIAL: Oh no sir, you can expect them to double.

LARRY: (incredulous) Double?

OFFICIAL: (enthusiastically) At least - maybe triple! All the improvements we're going to be making - you know you'll be handicap accessible, it'll be great for the property values - and the additional processing and administrative overhead related to opening all these new branch offices.

LARRY: (pathetically, rendered helpless by the absurdities of bureaucracy) What?

OFFICIAL: (having confused and terrorized them all into submission, his work is done) Anyway, they're a quiet bunch, but good fun. Just make sure you keep the fridge well-stocked and you shouldn't have any problems. I know you'll all become great friends. Well, I must be off, there's still several thousand houses to visit. Any questions, check with your local Citizen Relations branch office - they're 2 doors down, the Fouclets old rumpus room. (he exits, leaving the room in a shambles. The EMERSONS sit, looking appalled, except for SUE, who is examining her meatloaf, as MOVERS begin taking their furniture away.)

NARRATOR: And, in time, the Emersons and the staff of the USBMS, Watery Meanders subdivision branch office, DID become great friends. (picture of front door, with wooden plaque reading "The Emersons & US Bureau of Measurement Standards") But the results of the government's controversial new program have not been so successful in all cases.

(SCENE: a corn field, ANGRY MAN standing in the middle)
ANGRY MAN: This was my den! Now they're using it to grow experimental genetically modified corn - and turning it into ethanol in my bathtub!

(SCENE: house within barbed wire fence, sign outside reading "Department of Corrections, maximum security, repeat violent offender wing" - cut to interior of house, HUSBAND and WIFE being interviewed on the living room sofa)
WIFE: It's just awful, it's, it's... it's like a prison, or something. And the catcalls, the obscene suggestions when I try to do something as simple as kneading bread dough.

HUSBAND: Someone stuck a shiv in me when I got up to get a midnight snack - I'm standing at the refrigerator, minding my own business, when WHAM!

WIFE: Well, I'd warned you about drinking from the carton.

HUSBAND: (dawning comprehension and amusement) Oh, you mean YOU...?

WIFE: (modestly) Well, you do pick up a few things in here. (they laugh) But seriously, he had an experience the other morning, in the shower with a group of Puerto Rican gangers, that... (she is overcome with mirth, and HUSBAND begins to cry) I mean, I come in and he's just, just - COVERED in... (she's hysterical, can't continue, then collects herself, patting HUSBAND consolingly) Oh, I shouldn't laugh. There there, honey, it's okay - I look out for my bitches.

(SCENE: another house interior, chaotic noise in background - people yelling desperately in foreign languages, dogs barking - FATHER is being interviewed)
FATHER: Well, it's been sort of a mix - Joanie is just torn up, she loves animals, so of course it's hard for her to know that her former bedroom is being used as a holding chamber and euthanization room for surplus dogs from the shelter. On the other hand, they have been giving her all the pelts she wants... Howie, his room is a detention facility for enemy combatants - as a ten-year-old boy, he just thinks that's so cool. And the things he's picked up - well, let's just say, with his new interrogation skills, he can break Joanie, in, like - practically no time... especially when he puts the iron to her dolls.

NARRATOR: More on the subprime lending crisis will inevitably follow - after these messages.

END