Restaurant Symbolism

(Written in mid-2008)

CAST:

BRIAN, a BRIAN - entirely male, in his 20s or 30s
RUDOLPHO, a WAITER/WAITRESS - male and female (not at the same time) in his/her 20s or 30s
KARL, a KARL - mostly male, in his 20s or 30s
AUNT NOREEN, an ELDERLY AUNT - derelict female in her 60s or 70s
MAN and WOMAN - one of each, dining with AUNT NOREEN, in their 30s or 40s
CHEF - in his 50s, preferably on the larger side

AT OPEN:

(scene is a cozy restaurant. BRIAN is seated at a side table, waiting patiently. RUDOLPHO approaches the table, refills BRIAN's water, and hovers expectantly.)
BRIAN: Yes, Rudolpho?

RUDOLPHO: Are you ready to order, sir Brian sir?

BRIAN: (slightly exasperated) No Rudolpho, for the thirty-fifth time since ten o'clock this morning, I'm meeting a friend here for lunch at noon.

RUDOLPHO: But sir, it is 8:47 PM! The restaurant will be closing soon! Maybe your friend is not coming?

BRIAN: (suddenly enraged) HE'LL BE HERE!!! (calmer) I'm sorry, Rudolpho - I didn't mean to shout... It's just - he's in a different time zone, so I've got jet lag.

RUDOLPHO: Of course, sir. Travel is exhausting.

BRIAN: Thank you, Rudolpho, you're very understanding. (Rudolpho shimmers out, and BRIAN addresses the audience) Isn't it funny, I've often overheard myself saying, how the most normal, routine sorts of things that happen in our day-to-day lives can become freighted with a great deal of metaphorical significance. I mean, here I am, at my favorite restaurant, waiting for my friend Karl, prepared to have a quiet, civilized meal and discuss current events in our own lives and in the larger spheres of culture, politics, and whatever - a perfectly ordinary event in a perfectly ordinary day in the lives of millions of perfectly ordinary people named Brian and Karl - and yet... And yet, if we take all the little pieces of today, waking up at 6:30 and standing on one's head under a cold shower for eleven minutes, aftershave lotion, going back to sleep, having an erotic dream, getting up again and going to several garage sales, um, those sticky little price tags that don't just peel off but leave an annoying residue, meeting a friend for lunch, cloth napkins, being killed in an explosion, ergonomically designed office equipment, the news at 5:00, and then paddling the dinghy home for a few light board games with the Secretary of Defense and the cast of America's Next Top Model... if we take all those little pieces, and mince them up rather finely, add them to an organic vegetable broth, simmer them, serve them to hungry folk such as myself who then ingest them, digest them, and excrete them - after adding a 15% gratuity, of course ... If we take all those things, we find we have MORE - MORE, as I say - than we started with, despite the fact that we've cooked it and eaten it. Ah, here comes my friend Karl now. Now, of course I can't say for sure, but I'm guessing this whole sketch, from here on, is going to be just laden with symbolism, a transparent attempt by the writer and performers to use imagery familiar with the majority of viewers to make them think about the larger issues in their lives that may not necessarily be being dealt with consciously. So - watch, enjoy - and remember, the salt and pepper shakers are purely ornamental. 

(KARL approaches the table, and they begin to speak in a very exaggerated, almost singsong fashion, rhythmically and with mounting enthusiasm)

KARL: Is that an Isaac I see, I see?

BRIAN: No, Karl, a Brian I be, I be.

KARL: I'm sorry, an Isaac I thought 'twere thee!

BRIAN: A correctish presumption - if Isaac were me.

KARL: Well, Brian - if not Isaac, then who do you be?

BRIAN: I've told you already, a Brian be me.

KARL: Then if ye be Brian, then Brian be ye!

BRIAN: I do be! Do you be?

KARL: I too be! I too be!

BOTH: We both be! We both be! Yippee! YIPPEE!! 

(they resume normal speech)

BRIAN: Take a seat, Karl - early as usual, I see.

KARL: (still standing) Been waiting long, Brian?

BRIAN: Only about 10 hours and 50 minutes.

KARL: Oh, dear - I am sorry.

BRIAN: That's all right, I like waiting.

KARL: In that case, I'm sorry I'm not later. I rushed all the way from Australia, but perhaps I should have started from farther away.

BRIAN: Well, I'm sure the next time we have lunch today you'll get it exactly right. Take a seat.

KARL: (still standing) Thanks, Brian, I appreciate your confidence in me. Can I sit down?

BRIAN: (coldly) I'd rather you didn't. (KARL sits) Where is that waiter? Rudolpho! Rudolpho! 

(RUDOLPHO appears, but this time he's female)

RUDOLPHO: Yes, sir?

BRIAN: My friend is here and we're not ready to order yet.

RUDOLPHO: Very good sir, can I bring you something to start with?

BRIAN: Just some menus, thank you. Medium-rare.

RUDOLPHO: Two medium-rare menus, coming right up, sir. Can I recommend a wine to go with your menus?

BRIAN: Certainly, Rudolpho... What sort of wine would you recommend?

RUDOLPHO: Vodka, sir.

BRIAN: But vodka isn't wine, surely?

RUDOLPHO: Well, it's in a wine bottle, sir.

BRIAN: What sort of wine bottle?

RUDOLPHO: (promptly) Green glass, 750 milliliters, 2003 vintage.

BRIAN: That should do nicely.

RUDOLPHO: Be right back with your wine and menus, sir. 

(she exits, and BRIAN and KARL'S conversation takes on the tone of a job interview)

BRIAN: So, Karl, we're old friends, meeting for a nice intimate lunch in no professional capacity whatsoever - why do you want to work for this firm?

KARL: Well, I'm looking for a job that offers more meaning.

BRIAN: More -

KARL: (finishing it) Meaning.

BRIAN: (verifying it) Meaning?

KARL: Yes.

BRIAN: (prompting) Meaning meaning?

KARL: Meaning meaning meaning. Meaning - more.

BRIAN: Now, when you say meaning, are you meaning to say meaning, or do you mean to say-

KARL: When I say meaning, what I'm meaning to say is money.

BRIAN: Money meaning - ?

KARL: Meaning money. Money is meaning, or at least means.

BRIAN: Money means meaning?

KARL: No, money means means. Meaning means something different.

BRIAN: (a brief pause while all this is processed) I see. Well, we're not hiring at this time.

KARL: Does that mean I'm fired?

BRIAN: No, it just means we're not going to give you any money.

KARL: (back to friendly conversation) Brian, did you hear?

BRIAN: Hear what?

KARL: They fired me!

BRIAN: The bastards! How long did you work there?

KARL: I didn't.

BRIAN: The best years of your life, wasted! Fired before you were even hired! Where's the respect for other people? Where's the compassion for the human condition? Where's our wine and menus? 

(RUDOLPHO appears with wine and menus, a man again)

RUDOLPHO: Right here, sir. Just waiting for you to reach an appropriate pause in your repartee.

BRIAN: (crossly) You mean you could have come earlier?

RUDOLPHO: Yes, sir, considerably.

BRIAN: Well, thank God you're here now. Karl just got fired and he needs a drink.

RUDOLPHO: Of course, sir. (pours them vodka from wine bottle and addresses
KARL) My condolences, sir, on your recent job loss.

KARL: Thank you, Rudolpho - you're very sympathetic. Is there a dish that goes well with unemployment?

RUDOLPHO: Well, sir, there's beans and franks from a can.

KARL: No, I was thinking more along the lines of foie gras, pate, and stuffed quail's eggs.

RUDOLPHO: But most unemployed people don't eat that.

KARL: No, but if they did, they'd probably feel better about being unemployed, wouldn't they?

RUDOLPHO: A trenchant observation, sir. However, I am sorry to report that we have no foie gras, pate, or quail's eggs, stuffed or otherwise, available.

KARL: All right, well I'll have what he's having. (indicates BRIAN)

RUDOLPHO: Very good, sir. (to BRIAN) And how would you like that served, sir?

BRIAN: Hot, edible, and in a pie.

RUDOLPHO: And you have a choice of soup or salad.

KARL: Yes, thank you.

BRIAN: And for me, but light on the 'or'.

KARL: With a side of meaning.

BRIAN: And served in a pie.

RUDOLPHO: Of course, sir. I'll tell chef straightaway. 

(he vanishes again, and BRIAN and KARL sit for a bit, sipping their vodka wine)

KARL: Good food.

BRIAN: Yes, and we haven't even eaten yet.

KARL: I'm remembering it fondly already.

BRIAN: I'm so hungry I won't be able to eat.

KARL: Well, can I have the rest of yours, then?

BRIAN: When it gets here.

KARL: I'm too full to wait - let's just watch other people eating.

BRIAN: But you might spoil my appetite.

KARL: I'll be careful. (puts napkin into collar and watches people at adjacent table eating - the patrons there are all speaking in quasi-Shakespearean verse)
AUNT NOREEN: Done, done - my life snuffed out, extinguished, as I sit and talk and dine... What cruel jest of fate decreed, this poison'd artichoke be mine? (collapses dramatically into plate)

MAN: (rising and gesturing at AUNT NOREEN'S corpse) And so, with heavy heart and spirit, we lay our honored dead to rest, and with all mortal lies revealed, see purpose in her death, not jest!

BRIAN: Interesting folks at that table.

KARL: I was just thinking that. Puts me right off the artichoke, though.

BRIAN: Does it? It puts me off the old woman.

WOMAN: (rising and standing on the other side of the corpse, gesturing similarly) A wicked heart did place the poison, 'tween the leaves of spiky green - who could have had such evil motive, thus to murder Aunt Noreen? 

(CHEF enters from kitchen, wheeling KARL and BRIAN'S giant meaningful pie in on a cart)

CHEF: Twas I, the thrice-rejected suitor - adopting humble chef's disguise, to seek revenge by means of poison, and drink her death in with my eyes! 

(shocked gasps from MAN and WOMAN)

KARL: Only you're too late.

BRIAN: She's already dead.

CHEF: Without her now, I have no purpose. My grief is such I'd rather die - and seeing as you all are surplus, I've placed a bomb inside the pie! (cackles maniacally)
BRIAN: (to audience) What'd I tell you, loaded with symbolism! (to KARL, ruminatively) Makes you think, doesn't it?

KARL: No. No, not really. Check, please!

(EXPLOSION)